{"id":3631,"date":"2026-08-16T13:16:28","date_gmt":"2026-08-16T04:16:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hypnospark.com\/english\/?post_type=podcast_episode&#038;p=3631"},"modified":"2026-08-16T18:10:33","modified_gmt":"2026-08-16T09:10:33","slug":"why-partner-hears-rejection","status":"publish","type":"podcast_episode","link":"https:\/\/hypnospark.com\/english\/podcast_episode\/why-partner-hears-rejection\/","title":{"rendered":"Relationship Dynamics: When They Want More"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-columns alignfull stk-block-columns stk-block stk-a2c9abb stk-block-background stk--has-background-overlay\" data-block-id=\"a2c9abb\"><style>.stk-a2c9abb {background-color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;background-image:url(https:\/\/hypnospark.com\/english\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/08\/rays-of-light-village.webp) !important;min-height:400px !important;align-items:center !important;display:flex !important;}.stk-a2c9abb:before{background-color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;opacity:0.5 !important;}<\/style><div class=\"stk-row stk-inner-blocks stk-block-content stk-content-align stk-a2c9abb-column alignfull\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-column stk-block-column stk-column stk-block stk-0966db8 stk-block-background\" data-v=\"4\" data-block-id=\"0966db8\"><style>.stk-0966db8 {background-color:#ffffff73 !important;}.stk-0966db8:before{background-color:#ffffff73 !important;}<\/style><div class=\"stk-column-wrapper stk-block-column__content stk-container stk-0966db8-container stk--no-background stk--no-padding\"><div class=\"stk-block-content stk-inner-blocks stk-0966db8-inner-blocks\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-heading stk-block-heading stk-block-heading--v2 stk-block stk-3d87f20\" id=\"relationship-dynamics-br-when-they-want-more\" data-block-id=\"3d87f20\"><style>.stk-3d87f20 .stk-block-heading__text{color:var(--stk-global-color-12964, #7b3731) !important;letter-spacing:1px !important;}<\/style><h1 class=\"stk-block-heading__text has-text-color has-text-align-center\">Relationship Dynamics: <br>When They Want More<\/h1><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-button-group stk-block-button-group stk-block stk-dac1ec1\" data-block-id=\"dac1ec1\"><div class=\"stk-row stk-inner-blocks has-text-align-center stk-block-content stk-button-group\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-button stk-block-button stk-block stk-5f9d68f\" data-block-id=\"5f9d68f\"><style>.stk-5f9d68f .stk-button{background:var(--stk-global-color-3756, #d25c33) !important;}.stk-5f9d68f .stk-button:hover:after{background:var(--stk-global-color-12964, #7b3731) !important;opacity:1 !important;}.stk-5f9d68f .stk-button__inner-text{color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;font-weight:bold !important;}.stk-5f9d68f .stk-button:hover .stk-button__inner-text{color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;}<\/style><a class=\"stk-link stk-button stk--hover-effect-darken\" href=\"#episode-player\"><span class=\"has-text-color stk-button__inner-text\">Listen to Daniel&#8217;s Story<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-heading stk-block-heading stk-block-heading--v2 stk-block stk-f811b6a\" id=\"span-style-color-var-stk-global-color-3756-d-25-c-33-class-stk-highlight-description-span\" data-block-id=\"f811b6a\"><style>.stk-f811b6a .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.602rem !important;color:var(--stk-global-color-3756, #d25c33) !important;line-height:1.5em !important;font-weight:600 !important;font-family:\"DM Serif Display\", Sans-serif !important;letter-spacing:1px !important;}@media screen and (max-width:999px){.stk-f811b6a .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.4rem !important;line-height:1.4em !important;}}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-f811b6a .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.2rem !important;}}<\/style><h3 class=\"stk-block-heading__text has-text-color has-text-align-center\"><span style=\"color: var(--stk-global-color-3756, #d25c33);\" class=\"stk-highlight\">Description:<\/span><\/h3><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-text stk-block-text stk-block stk-a4e9e7d\" data-block-id=\"a4e9e7d\"><style>.stk-a4e9e7d {margin-bottom:25px !important;}.stk-a4e9e7d .stk-block-text__text{font-size:1rem !important;line-height:1.5em !important;font-family:\"Inter\", Sans-serif !important;}@media screen and (max-width:999px){.stk-a4e9e7d {margin-bottom:36px !important;}.stk-a4e9e7d .stk-block-text__text{font-size:0.937rem !important;line-height:1.4em !important;}}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-a4e9e7d {margin-bottom:29px !important;}.stk-a4e9e7d .stk-block-text__text{font-size:0.875rem !important;}}<\/style><p class=\"stk-block-text__text\">Daniel Miller doesn\u2019t understand why the people he goes out with are always so dissatisfied with him. He makes it clear to them how busy he is, but they always want more. Listen in to hear Makiko and Karisha discuss options to enhance these types of relationships. They also explain why some people are prone to process their emotions internally, while others want to discuss problems openly.<\/p><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-heading stk-block-heading stk-block-heading--v2 stk-block stk-e782662\" id=\"span-style-color-var-stk-global-color-3756-d-25-c-33-class-stk-highlight-key-takeaways-span\" data-block-id=\"e782662\"><style>.stk-e782662 .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.602rem !important;font-weight:bold !important;}@media screen and (max-width:999px){.stk-e782662 .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.4rem !important;}}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-e782662 .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.2rem !important;}}<\/style><h3 class=\"stk-block-heading__text has-text-align-center\"><span style=\"color: var(--stk-global-color-3756, #d25c33);\" class=\"stk-highlight\">Key Takeaways<\/span><\/h3><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-icon-list stk-block-icon-list stk-block stk-7a8a8f9\" data-block-id=\"7a8a8f9\"><style>.stk-7a8a8f9 {--stk-icon-list-row-gap:12px !important;--stk-icon-list-marker-color:var(--stk-global-color-3756, #d25c33) !important;margin-bottom:50px !important;}.stk-7a8a8f9:hover{--stk-icon-list-marker-color:var(--stk-global-color-12964, #7b3731) !important;}.stk-7a8a8f9 .stk-block-icon-list-item__content{align-items:baseline !important;}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-7a8a8f9 {margin-bottom:31px !important;}}<\/style><svg style=\"display:none\"><defs><g id=\"stk-icon-list__icon-svg-def-7a8a8f9\"><svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" viewBox=\"0 0 384 512\"><path d=\"M297.2 248.9C311.6 228.3 320 203.2 320 176c0-70.7-57.3-128-128-128S64 105.3 64 176c0 27.2 8.4 52.3 22.8 72.9c3.7 5.3 8.1 11.3 12.8 17.7l0 0c12.9 17.7 28.3 38.9 39.8 59.8c10.4 19 15.7 38.8 18.3 57.5H109c-2.2-12-5.9-23.7-11.8-34.5c-9.9-18-22.2-34.9-34.5-51.8l0 0 0 0c-5.2-7.1-10.4-14.2-15.4-21.4C27.6 247.9 16 213.3 16 176C16 78.8 94.8 0 192 0s176 78.8 176 176c0 37.3-11.6 71.9-31.4 100.3c-5 7.2-10.2 14.3-15.4 21.4l0 0 0 0c-12.3 16.8-24.6 33.7-34.5 51.8c-5.9 10.8-9.6 22.5-11.8 34.5H226.4c2.6-18.7 7.9-38.6 18.3-57.5c11.5-20.9 26.9-42.1 39.8-59.8l0 0 0 0 0 0c4.7-6.4 9-12.4 12.7-17.7zM192 128c-26.5 0-48 21.5-48 48c0 8.8-7.2 16-16 16s-16-7.2-16-16c0-44.2 35.8-80 80-80c8.8 0 16 7.2 16 16s-7.2 16-16 16zm0 384c-44.2 0-80-35.8-80-80V416H272v16c0 44.2-35.8 80-80 80z\"\/><\/svg><\/g><\/defs><\/svg><ul class=\"stk-block-icon-list__ul stk-block-icon-list--column\">\n<li class=\"wp-block-stackable-icon-list-item stk-block-icon-list-item stk-block stk-2c07c5a\" data-block-id=\"2c07c5a\"><div class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__content\"><span class=\"stk--svg-wrapper\"><div class=\"stk--inner-svg\"><svg aria-hidden=\"true\" width=\"32\" height=\"32\"><use xlink:href=\"#stk-icon-list__icon-svg-def-7a8a8f9\"><\/use><\/svg><\/div><\/span><span class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__text\">Being criticised as &#8220;cold&#8221; or &#8220;emotionally unavailable&#8221; by your partner often might not be about you at all \u2014 so what is it about?<\/span><\/div><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"wp-block-stackable-icon-list-item stk-block-icon-list-item stk-block stk-2c8932c\" data-block-id=\"2c8932c\"><div class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__content\"><span class=\"stk--svg-wrapper\"><div class=\"stk--inner-svg\"><svg aria-hidden=\"true\" width=\"32\" height=\"32\"><use xlink:href=\"#stk-icon-list__icon-svg-def-7a8a8f9\"><\/use><\/svg><\/div><\/span><span class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__text\">Simply mentioning having a busy week can mean two completely different things depending on who&#8217;s reading it.<\/span><\/div><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"wp-block-stackable-icon-list-item stk-block-icon-list-item stk-block stk-94e84f0\" data-block-id=\"94e84f0\"><div class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__content\"><span class=\"stk--svg-wrapper\"><div class=\"stk--inner-svg\"><svg aria-hidden=\"true\" width=\"32\" height=\"32\"><use xlink:href=\"#stk-icon-list__icon-svg-def-7a8a8f9\"><\/use><\/svg><\/div><\/span><span class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__text\">Needing a lot of alone time doesn&#8217;t have to cost you the relationship \u2014 but the way you protect that time might.<\/span><\/div><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li class=\"wp-block-stackable-icon-list-item stk-block-icon-list-item stk-block stk-fbd4bbe\" data-block-id=\"fbd4bbe\"><div class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__content\"><span class=\"stk--svg-wrapper\"><div class=\"stk--inner-svg\"><svg aria-hidden=\"true\" width=\"32\" height=\"32\"><use xlink:href=\"#stk-icon-list__icon-svg-def-7a8a8f9\"><\/use><\/svg><\/div><\/span><span class=\"stk-block-icon-list-item__text\">Small adjustments in how you communicate \u2014 nothing about who you are \u2014 might be enough to change the pattern of conflicts with your partner.<\/span><\/div><\/li>\n<\/ul><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-columns stk-block-columns stk-block stk-174834a stk-block-background\" id=\"episode-player\" data-block-id=\"174834a\"><style>.stk-174834a {background-color:#44546959 !important;border-top-left-radius:12px !important;border-top-right-radius:12px !important;border-bottom-right-radius:12px !important;border-bottom-left-radius:12px !important;overflow:hidden !important;padding-top:15px !important;padding-right:15px !important;padding-bottom:15px !important;padding-left:15px !important;}.stk-174834a:before{background-color:#44546959 !important;}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-174834a {padding-top:10px !important;padding-right:10px !important;padding-bottom:10px !important;padding-left:10px !important;}}<\/style><div class=\"stk-row stk-inner-blocks stk-block-content stk-content-align stk-174834a-column\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-column stk-block-column stk-column stk-block stk-b735445\" data-v=\"4\" data-block-id=\"b735445\"><div class=\"stk-column-wrapper stk-block-column__content stk-container stk-b735445-container stk--no-background stk--no-padding\"><div class=\"stk-block-content stk-inner-blocks stk-b735445-inner-blocks\">\n<iframe data-testid=\"embed-iframe\" style=\"border-radius:12px\" src=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/embed\/episode\/5nzVhEmj2omvs3N9EnZW0o?utm_source=generator&#038;si=ad7736ac848546ff\" width=\"100%\" height=\"152\" frameBorder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"\" allow=\"autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; fullscreen; picture-in-picture\" loading=\"lazy\"><\/iframe>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-columns stk-block-columns stk-block stk-fd7bc14\" data-block-id=\"fd7bc14\"><div class=\"stk-row stk-inner-blocks has-text-align-right stk-block-content stk-content-align stk-fd7bc14-column\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-column stk-block-column stk-column stk-block stk-07c423f\" data-v=\"4\" data-block-id=\"07c423f\"><div class=\"stk-column-wrapper stk-block-column__content stk-container stk-07c423f-container stk--no-background stk--no-padding\"><div class=\"has-text-align-right stk-block-content stk-inner-blocks stk-07c423f-inner-blocks\">\n<div style=\"text-align: right;\">\n<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/rays-of-light\/id1812803914?itscg=30200&#038;itsct=podcast_box_badge&#038;ls=1&#038;mttnsubad=1812803914\" style=\"display: inline-block;\">\n    <img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/toolbox.marketingtools.apple.com\/api\/v2\/badges\/listen-on-apple-podcasts\/badge-26\/en-us\" alt=\"Listen on Apple Podcasts\" style=\"width: 130px; height: 41px; vertical-align: middle; object-fit: contain;\" \/>\n<\/a>\n<\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-spacer stk-block-spacer stk--no-padding stk-block stk-97e99ce\" data-block-id=\"97e99ce\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-columns alignwide stk-block-columns stk-block stk-121ee28 stk-block-background\" data-block-id=\"121ee28\" data-block-type=\"core\" data-block-type=\"core\"><style>.stk-121ee28 {background-color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;padding-top:16px !important;padding-right:16px !important;padding-bottom:16px !important;padding-left:16px !important;}.stk-121ee28:before{background-color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;}<\/style><div class=\"stk-row stk-inner-blocks stk-block-content stk-content-align stk-121ee28-column alignwide\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-column stk-block-column stk-column stk-block stk-488c70f\" data-v=\"4\" data-block-id=\"488c70f\"><div class=\"stk-column-wrapper stk-block-column__content stk-container stk-488c70f-container stk--no-background stk--no-padding\"><div class=\"stk-block-content stk-inner-blocks stk-488c70f-inner-blocks\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-text stk-block-text stk-block stk-eedaa64\" data-block-id=\"eedaa64\"><style>.stk-eedaa64 .stk-block-text__text{color:var(--stk-global-color-12964, #7b3731) !important;}<\/style><p class=\"stk-block-text__text has-text-color has-text-align-center\">Each episode of Rays of Light takes place in the fictional village of Sunnyside.<br>Would you like to support our show? Why, thank you! <br>You can subscribe to our newsletter right here, so you won&#8217;t miss a single episode.<\/p><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-button-group stk-block-button-group stk-block stk-fede60c\" data-block-id=\"fede60c\"><div class=\"stk-row stk-inner-blocks has-text-align-center stk-block-content stk-button-group\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-button stk-block-button has-text-align-center stk-block stk-95dbde3\" data-block-id=\"95dbde3\"><style>.stk-95dbde3 .stk-button{background:var(--stk-global-color-3756, #d25c33) !important;}.stk-95dbde3 .stk-button:hover:after{background:var(--stk-global-color-12964, #7b3731) !important;opacity:1 !important;}.stk-95dbde3 .stk-button__inner-text{color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;font-weight:bold !important;}.stk-95dbde3 .stk-button:hover .stk-button__inner-text{color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;}<\/style><a class=\"stk-link stk-button stk--hover-effect-darken\" href=\"https:\/\/app.popt.in\/api\/display\/click\/33d6871eea006\"><span class=\"has-text-color stk-button__inner-text\">Don&#8217;t Miss an Episode<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-spacer stk-block-spacer stk--no-padding stk-block stk-7c8f3ed\" data-block-id=\"7c8f3ed\"><style>@media screen and (max-width:999px){.stk-7c8f3ed {height:20px !important;}}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-7c8f3ed {height:20px !important;}}<\/style><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-columns alignwide stk-block-columns stk-block stk-4fee9e9 stk-block-background\" data-block-id=\"4fee9e9\"><style>.stk-4fee9e9 {background-color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;}.stk-4fee9e9:before{background-color:var(--stk-global-color-76216, #ffffff) !important;}<\/style><div class=\"stk-row stk-inner-blocks stk-block-content stk-content-align stk-4fee9e9-column alignwide\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-column stk-block-column stk-column stk-block stk-e2cab80\" data-v=\"4\" data-block-id=\"e2cab80\"><div class=\"stk-column-wrapper stk-block-column__content stk-container stk-e2cab80-container stk--no-background stk--no-padding\"><div class=\"stk-block-content stk-inner-blocks stk-e2cab80-inner-blocks\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-heading stk-block-heading stk-block-heading--v2 stk-block stk-5f99429\" id=\"span-style-color-var-stk-global-color-3756-d-25-c-33-class-stk-highlight-transcript-span\" data-block-id=\"5f99429\"><style>.stk-5f99429 .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.602rem !important;line-height:1.5rem !important;font-weight:600 !important;font-family:\"DM Serif Display\", Sans-serif !important;letter-spacing:1px !important;}@media screen and (max-width:999px){.stk-5f99429 .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.4rem !important;line-height:1.4em !important;}}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-5f99429 .stk-block-heading__text{font-size:1.2rem !important;}}<\/style><h3 class=\"stk-block-heading__text has-text-align-center\"><span style=\"color: var(--stk-global-color-3756, #d25c33);\" class=\"stk-highlight\">Transcript<\/span><\/h3><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-text stk-block-text stk-block stk-14819f5\" data-block-id=\"14819f5\"><style>.stk-14819f5 .stk-block-text__text{font-size:1rem !important;line-height:1.5em !important;font-family:\"inter\", Sans-serif !important;}@media screen and (max-width:999px){.stk-14819f5 .stk-block-text__text{font-size:0.937rem !important;line-height:1.4em !important;}}@media screen and (max-width:689px){.stk-14819f5 .stk-block-text__text{font-size:0.875rem !important;}}<\/style><p class=\"stk-block-text__text\">Hi, Karisha. <br>Hi, Makiko. <br><br>Welcome to Rays of Light and the fictional village of Sunnyside.<br><br>Do you have any questions or comments for us? If so, please let us know. We&#8217;ll include a link in the show notes. <br><br>Each episode stands alone, and today we&#8217;re checking in with Daniel, who was also in our October 2025 episode.<br><br>Daniel does not understand why Mark is upset with him. A week ago, they had a full Saturday together, including dinner and a concert, followed by drinks with friends.<br><br>Before Mark went home early Sunday, Daniel described his busy work schedule for the upcoming week. But after getting home from a late Friday afternoon workout and sending Mark a text asking if he wanted to get together the next day, Mark called and yelled at him for being withdrawn and uncommunicative, as well as for expecting Mark to wait around and be available whenever it fit Daniel&#8217;s mood. This dramatic response was as unappealing as it was unexpected.<br><br>In Daniel&#8217;s last serious relationship, he was constantly told that he didn&#8217;t know how to communicate and that he was emotionally unavailable, along with other fun descriptions like cold and self-absorbed. In this current situation, Daniel cannot identify what he could possibly have done wrong, but it&#8217;s clear that the people he&#8217;s attracted to find him deeply unsatisfactory. <br><br>M: What we&#8217;re seeing here is a classic clash between two different types. There are those who are more mind-oriented \u2014 more analytical and sense of being in control is very important. And there are those who are more relationship-oriented, for whom closeness and communication are everything, like Mark here. And so opposites tend to attract. So, you know, that makes sense.<br><br>M: And so here, Daniel, who is more mind-oriented, did really nothing wrong. But for a relationship-oriented person, Mark, what he offered simply wasn&#8217;t enough. So they have different needs and, you know, neither of them really knows about it.<br><br>K: Right. And this contrast between these two characters is based on somewhat extreme versions of these types. But the issues they experience will probably be familiar to everyone in one way or another.<br><br>M: Right. It&#8217;s a matter of degree, I think. <br><br>K: That\u2019s the word.<br><br>M: And also, you know, it depends on the culture too. Like in Japan, which is more mind-oriented culture compared to like Italy or Spain or US, then people do tend to act more like Daniel. Maybe not to that extreme, but it would not be unusual to see that kind of a tendency.<br><br>M: In the US, it would be more relationship-oriented, like, you know, Italy and Spain and Brazil and other countries. And so then communication is really very important. <br><br>K: Daniel needs to move to Japan, obviously.<br><br>Although Daniel had planned to stay home the rest of Friday evening and watch a show, read a bit, then have an early night in preparation for a fun Saturday with Mark, he now wants to get out of his condo. Daniel texts his friend and colleague Gabriella to ask if he&#8217;s still welcome at game night. He and Gabriella have worked together for over 10 years as scenario analysts at a financial services firm, but he rarely accepts her invitations.<br><br>At Gabriella&#8217;s affirmative response, he grabs tortilla chips and salsa from his pantry and heads over to her place, where her husband Ben has organized an elaborate fort village for what seems like a massive group of screaming children. <br>\u201cWe&#8217;re playing forts?\u201d Daniel asks Gabriella. She laughs at his fearful expression.<br>\u201cWe are escaping to the backyard. Two teenage babysitters will be arriving any minute to monitor the monsters. Our game might end up being a little wine and a little more wine.\u201d<br>\u201cIs everyone else here a parent?\u201d Daniel asks as they walk through the kitchen and dining room to where sliding glass doors look out on the yard. <br>\u201cYes, but no parenting discussions are allowed tonight. Ben&#8217;s rule, as last time none of us felt like we got a real break.\u201d<br><br>An hour later, Daniel finds himself getting opinions on his personal life, all from people seemingly desperate to talk about anything not focused on parenting. He&#8217;s annoyed that Gabriella, who he had a hurried conversation with about Mark, apparently passed the info on to her husband Ben, who shared it with the rest of the group. <br><br>\u201cDid you text or talk at all during the week?\u201d Ben asks. Daniel nods briefly. <br>\u201cHow long did you take before responding to him?\u201d Daniel sighs. <br>\u201cCan you read us what you wrote?\u201d A woman named Jule asks.<br>Daniel ignores this request. <br>\u201cIt&#8217;s very boring. I told him I&#8217;d be busy, and during the week he felt sick, so we talked about that.\u201d<br><br>\u201cIt&#8217;s deliciously boring, a man named Liam says. Boring in the way of nature and poetry and raindrops on roses.\u201d Ben laughs.<br>\u201cDaniel, he just means we love it.\u201d<br>\u201cSo, none of you are dating, meeting new people?\u201d Daniel asks, trying to turn the attention away from himself. <br>\u201cSome of us are single, but none of us are dating, no.\u201d Jule says. <br>\u201cNot because we don&#8217;t want to,\u201d someone else adds. \u201cWe&#8217;re just too tired.\u201d<br><br>\u201cWe&#8217;re getting perilously close to whining about our parenting duties, people.\u201d Ben scolds. Someone asked Jule how she knows none of them are dating, and there&#8217;s lighthearted insults and laughter for a few minutes until Jule says, \u201cBack to group therapy.\u201d<br>\u201cAre we getting the therapy?\u201d Liam asks. \u201cOr is it Daniel?\u201d<br>\u201cWe are,\u201d Jule says. \u201cSo what happened after he said he wasn&#8217;t feeling well?\u201d<br>\u201cLet&#8217;s move on to another topic,\u201d Gabriella suggests.<br>\u201cOh, come on,\u201d Liam says. \u201cJust tell us what you said after he said he was sick.\u201d Wishing he&#8217;d stayed home, Daniel shakes his head. <br><br>Ben says, \u201cWhatever it was, I&#8217;ll bet it left a pain of rejection in his heart.\u201d<br>\u201cAbsolutely,\u201d Jule agrees.<br>Daniel doesn&#8217;t like the person Ben becomes when drinking, even though he seems far from drunk. <br>\u201cI&#8217;m sure it was a good response,\u201d Gabriella says, feeling terrible about having told Ben anything. Ben and Jule shake their heads in disagreement.<br>\u201cDismissive,\u201d Ben says. \u201cHe felt rejected, we know, based on his phone call today.\u201d<br>\u201cCan&#8217;t you just tell him what you&#8217;re feeling now and then?\u201d Jule asks.<br>\u201cThrow in some compliments.\u201d<br>\u201cIt&#8217;s over,\u201d Daniel says. \u201cWe don&#8217;t need to discuss it anymore.\u201d<br>The conversation finally moves on, but Daniel has had enough, and he leaves soon after. <br><br>M: Poor Daniel. Mind-oriented people hold their emotions very close, almost like privately sacred, and they tend to analyze and process internally in trying to solve issues, and they are very selective about whom they let in. It&#8217;s not that they don&#8217;t feel deeply, in fact, they really do, but sharing personal struggles openly doesn&#8217;t come naturally, and it wouldn&#8217;t feel safe with just anyone, and that&#8217;s why Daniel keeps dodging these personal questions at the party, which I don&#8217;t blame him. I&#8217;d be irritated if I was him.<br><br>K: I would too, and I&#8217;m not at all like him. <br><br>M:And relationship-oriented people are the opposite. Literally, relationship is their top priority. So when something is wrong, they want to talk it out right now, but that can really feel overwhelming to someone who is more mind-oriented. Even with their intimate partner, opening up and becoming vulnerable is often a real challenge. And simply knowing which type you are and which type the people close to you are can already make a substantial difference in how you understand each other, I think.<br><br>K: Yes, it really can. <br><br>Daniel doesn&#8217;t hear from Mark the rest of the weekend, and on Monday he schedules a session with Reina Ibarra, the hypnotherapist he saw for his fear of public speaking, after he was asked to talk at the funeral of his best friend Brent. At the beginning of their appointment three days later, Daniel describes his dramatic breakup with his partner Joe Walker, who was always upset with him, calling him emotionally blocked, incapable of giving compliments, unable to express love, and, during one particularly bad fight, inhumane and soulless.<br><br>\u201cAnd I never had any idea what I was doing wrong. I did a lot for him.\u201d<br>\u201cWhat kinds of things did you do? I did all his errands for weeks when he hurt his back.\u201d<br>\u201cAnd how did he respond to that?\u201d<br>\u201cHe didn&#8217;t seem to remember once he got better. He was obsessed with love languages, claimed his was acts of service, but they never made a lasting impact.\u201d<br>\u201cSo you felt like you were showing care, but he wasn&#8217;t taking it in.\u201d<br>\u201cRight.\u201d<br><br>\u201cWhat about conversation? Did you share things with each other?\u201d<br>\u201cI was supportive. I listened to his work stories. Reina, I just don&#8217;t know what&#8217;s wrong with these people. They&#8217;re endlessly demanding and never satisfied.\u201d<br>Daniel tells her about what happened with Mark, and Reina says, \u201cSo how do you think Mark was feeling over the week to lead to him reacting that way?\u201d<br>\u201cI have no idea,\u201d Daniel says.<br>\u201cHe claimed you expected him to be waiting around for your invitation, right?\u201d<br>\u201cYes,\u201d Daniel says. <br>\u201cSo what do you think led to that?\u201d<br>&#8220;That I didn&#8217;t try to make plans with him earlier? Although, why does it always have to be me doing the inviting?\u201d<br><br>\u201cImagine Mark wanted to ask you about weekend plans. Why might he not have?\u201d<br>\u201cI don&#8217;t know. I told him I had a very busy week.\u201d<br>\u201cHow do you think he took that?\u201d<br>\u201cNot how I meant it. So, should I have said I wasn&#8217;t going to be able to communicate much, but hoped we could get together the next weekend? Although, I wasn&#8217;t ready to think about getting together again. I was geared up to shift my focus fully to work. Maybe I compartmentalized too much, but when I spend time with someone, they have my full attention. And I also give my full attention to work for five days, and I like to have a day to help out at the bookstore where I&#8217;m co-owner.\u201d<br><br>\u201cSo you have a full busy life, and maybe only one day a week for a romantic relationship. Yet you seem to be attracted to men who want a bit more.\u201d<br>\u201cI think I shut down if anyone gets too needy or clingy. Or if I feel they are.\u201d<br>\u201cSo, if you want to increase the success of one of these relationships, you might want to experiment with behavioral changes. What might make someone like Mark or Joe feel less needy?\u201d<br>\u201cUm, probably if I exp&#8230; I don&#8217;t know. Maybe if I explained how I function, they won&#8217;t think I&#8217;m rejecting them?\u201d<br>\u201cRight, because if you&#8217;re interacting with people that desire more feedback, what might they be imagining when they don&#8217;t get it?\u201d<br>\u201cIt could seem like I don&#8217;t care, or like I&#8217;m distracted by other people. And I do think taking a moment to say how much I enjoyed our time together, and even planning our next day to meet, would be better than having a fight later.\u201d<br>\u201cIt might be interesting to see if those small adjustments make a difference.\u201d<br><br>\u201cAnd some people do enjoy a sincere compliment now and then.\u201d Daniel smiles and nods. \u201cI&#8217;ve been known to appreciate them myself. It might be a while before I find someone to go out with, but I&#8217;m willing to test these ideas. I wish I could be&#8230; I wish I compartmentalized less. I wish I felt like mixing my social life up more during the work week like everyone else does. I really need to be alone after work.\u201d<br>\u201cYou&#8217;ve set your life up well,\u201d Reina says. \u201cA lot of people ignore how they function best and get themselves into really uncomfortable situations.\u201d<br>\u201cThat&#8217;s true. You know, I&#8217;ve been told so often that I shut down when someone wants more from me than I want to give. I really don&#8217;t see it, but I&#8217;d like to understand why it keeps happening.\u201d<br>\u201cWhich doesn&#8217;t mean you have to satisfy their needs, nor even try to,\u201d Reina says, \u201cbut it might help you feel less like your private time is being invaded.\u201d<br>\u201cThat is how I feel.\u201d<br><br>\u201cOkay, so if you became aware of why you&#8217;re shutting down, what might you like to think or feel in that moment?\u201d<br>\u201cMaybe just that they&#8217;re uncertain or insecure?\u201d Reina nods.<br>\u201cAnd why are they reaching out?\u201d<br>\u201cThey want to connect, right? They aren&#8217;t just out to destroy my private time,\u201d Daniel says with a smile. <br>\u201cEven though it feels like it,\u201d Reina adds. <br>\u201cIt does. I want to feel less resistant, less stiff and uptight when this comes up.\u201d<br>\u201cWhat would you like to feel instead?\u201d<br>\u201cHmm. Maybe a softness? No, more like an openness. I&#8217;d like to feel open to understanding they work differently than I, and to the idea that I can do something small to help them and to help myself have better relationships.\u201d<br>\u201cThat sounds great. Anything else before we do some hypnosis?\u201d<br>\u201cCalm, too. Calm and open. So I&#8217;ll be able to remember that not everyone needs what I need. And so I&#8217;ll feel capable of changing my process. At least the teeny bit we talked about. <br><br>M: For relationship-oriented people, even a completely neutral statement can land as rejection. And that&#8217;s not oversensitivity, actually. It comes directly from how central relationships are to them. When something that important feels threatened, the fear of losing it is never far away. So when Daniel casually mentioned that he had a busy week ahead, what Mark likely heard was something closer to I don&#8217;t have time for you this week.<br><br>K: Exactly. <br><br>M: That\u2019s not what Daniel said or meant at all. But that&#8217;s how it lands to someone who is relationship-oriented. And this is exactly why understanding these two different types can be really eye-opening. Not just in romantic relationships, but in any relationships whatever.<br><br>K: Oh, for sure. Pay attention to your boss if you have one, or your parents, your children.<br><br>M: Yeah, kids. How we take in information and how we respond is deeply tied to how we are wired. And as a reference, HMI, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, actually has two wonderful free videos on this topic on their website. We&#8217;ll put the link in the show notes, so definitely check that out. <br><br>K: And these videos are very entertaining. <br><br>M: Yeah, George is a great storyteller.<br><br>K: Yeah, he is. They&#8217;re fun to watch. They&#8217;re quite enjoyable.<br><br>The next Saturday, Daniel finds himself wishing he&#8217;d talked to Reina about his fear of confrontation. He hadn&#8217;t intended to see Mark again, but the memory of how much fun they&#8217;d had has replaced his disgust over their last conversation. Still, the thought of risking an argument is unappealing.<br><br>Finally, at 5.30 in the evening, he sends a text that takes 15 minutes to write and rewrite, and in the end says, \u201cI&#8217;m sorry about how things ended, and I wish I&#8217;d been more attentive to how you were feeling instead of focusing solely on myself and work.\u201d Almost immediately, a pink heart appears, and Daniel takes a deep, relieved breath. He waits impatiently while Mark seems to type forever, and finally a message shows up that says, \u201cI&#8217;m sorry for yelling at you.\u201d<br><br>Daniel isn&#8217;t sure if he should say thank you, or if that will make it sound like he thought Mark owed him an apology. As he tries to decide what response would be best, he sees that Mark is typing again. <br>\u201cI&#8217;d like another chance,\u201d Mark&#8217;s message says. <br>\u201cMe too,\u201d Daniel replies. \u201cBusy tonight?\u201d Mark asks. Daniel calls him, and they make plans to meet for dinner.<br><br>The dinner goes well, even though Mark eventually admits to having had a headache all day, so he goes home to rest at a pretty early hour. Daniel checks in on how Mark is feeling later that night, and the headache is still raging. The next morning, Daniel&#8217;s &#8220;how are you today\u201d text is answered with a string of prayer hand emojis followed by \u201cI feel great\u201d in all caps, followed by a message apologizing for the caps.<br><br>\u201cI&#8217;m just so relieved,\u201d Mark adds. <br>\u201cI get it, there&#8217;s nothing worse than an endless headache,\u201d Daniel writes. Then he wonders if there&#8217;s anything else he should say. Mark wore a bright blue shirt the night before, and it was a good color on him. Daniel decides this is the perfect time for a sincere compliment, and he sends it. Mark thanks him and says he would love to get together again when Daniel&#8217;s free.<br><br>At his next hypnotherapy session, Daniel tells Reina about how he and Mark are being very careful around each other, but he expects Mark will end up getting upset with him again soon. <br>\u201cI know I shouldn&#8217;t be expecting the worst, but it&#8217;s happened so many times with so many people.\u201d <br>Reina asks, \u201cIs there anything you can do in advance to avoid getting to that point?\u201d<br>\u201cTo spend time with him when I&#8217;d rather not?\u201d<br>\u201cDo you think you could have a long-term relationship with someone who required that of you?\u201d<br>\u201cNo,\u201d Daniel says firmly.<br>\u201cOkay, what would you be willing to do that might help?\u201d<br>\u201cI could let him or whomever know why I&#8217;m not available in advance. I can explain this is how I live. I&#8217;m not going out with other people, but they&#8217;re welcome to do so. I get that a lot of people are more connected to romantic partners than I. Probably laying things out and also being more giving in texts. I can do a phone call now and then. And if they&#8217;re still mad, then it&#8217;s just not going to work.\u201d<br>\u201cThat&#8217;s great. Exploring ways you can help someone you&#8217;re dating feel more connected without doing anything that&#8217;s uncomfortable for you is an excellent idea.\u201d Daniel nods.<br><br>And then there&#8217;s a long silence before he says, \u201cThere&#8217;s something else. It&#8217;s not connected to this issue with Mark. I&#8217;ve always been this way, at least since my 20s. But this is newer since Brent died. I miss having a really good friend, but when I like people, really like them, as I do my coworker Gabriella. Well, at least before she told her husband about my personal life. And Marie at the bookstore and Brent&#8217;s wife Allison. I&#8217;ve been carefully avoiding getting as close to them as I might otherwise. I think of how they could die at any moment. And it&#8217;s real. It&#8217;s true. It&#8217;s possible. So I can&#8217;t talk myself out of it. And I don&#8217;t want to feel that pain again. Not ever. I know it&#8217;s better to have loved and lost and all that. But even that phrase irritates me. It&#8217;s like a pillar of ice is running through the center of my body when I think about anyone I care about dying.\u201d<br><br>Reina asks, \u201cWhat would you like to do to that pillar of ice?\u201d<br>\u201cMelt it,\u201d Daniel says. Reina nods. <br>\u201cWhere does the pillar of ice begin? In my chest, right below my throat. And it goes all the way to the bottom of my abdomen.\u201d<br>\u201cOkay, let&#8217;s focus on melting that,\u201d Reina says as Daniel closes his eyes for hypnosis. <br><br>M: A quick note here. Some people feel emotions as physical sensations in their bodies and others don&#8217;t. And we mention this whenever it comes up in our episodes because there&#8217;s always someone new listening and we want you to know that neither experience is more correct than the other. <br><br>M: As a general tendency though, relationship-oriented people tend to be more connected to their bodies. So they&#8217;re more likely to feel emotions physically. And mind-oriented people tend to process more in their head. But Daniel, who is very much mind-oriented, clearly feels it in his body. And I&#8217;m actually a little more relationship-oriented yet I rarely feel things physically. So it really is just a tendency, not a rule. However it works for you is completely valid.<br><br>K: Yeah, thank you for pointing that out. There&#8217;s a lot of variations. Everyone is different.<br><br>M: Yep, totally. <br><br>A month later, Daniel and Mark have drifted apart in a friendly way while still texting now and then. Daniel&#8217;s been out with two others similar to Mark in the meantime, feeling far more confident about handling their expectations and emotions in a way that leaves everyone calm and content.<br><br>Or at least calmer and more content. Based on what he discussed with Reina and memories of past relationships, he&#8217;s also found that more solitary people like himself are enjoyable companions. There isn&#8217;t as much exciting tension between them, but they take far less work.<br><br>Daniel invites Allison and Mellie, the wife and daughter of his best friend who died, to an event for children at the Sunnyside bookstore. The delight on Mellie&#8217;s face as she toddles around after slightly bigger children has him smiling so much that Marie and others comment on it. <br><br>\u201cI&#8217;m trying to get Daniel to join in with children&#8217;s storytime now and then,\u201d Marie tells Allison. <br>\u201cOnce, we convinced him to act out a story with some other staff members, and he was a hit.\u201d<br>\u201cOh, how fun,\u201d Allison says. \u201cWe&#8217;ll definitely come anytime Daniel&#8217;s involved.\u201d<br>Marie gives Daniel a triumphant look. <br>\u201cAlso, we have an ongoing contest to rename the bookstore, if you have any ideas. It&#8217;s been doing so well that we keep pushing the deadline further out. All proceeds go to local nonprofits.\u201d<br><br>Mellie hurries over to her mom, holding out a book another child gave her. She babbles away for a while, then looks shyly up at Daniel.<br>\u201cHi, Mellie,\u201d he says. \u201cWant me to read that to you?\u201d She holds the book up to him and he takes it before crouching down to be closer to her height. Then she grabs the book back, drops it, giggles, and touches his knee before wobbling away while looking at him over her shoulder. She runs into a chair, falls, and then stands again, smiling all the while. <br>\u201cI admire how she doesn&#8217;t cry,\u201d Daniel says, \u201cbut I have no idea what I&#8217;m supposed to do here.\u201d<br><br>M: So, just to be clear, it&#8217;s not that we think that not crying is admirable, it&#8217;s just Daniel&#8217;s opinion.<br><br>K: Yeah, he&#8217;s just not very comfortable with children, as we saw from the earlier scene. <br><br>M: So, just saying, this is purely Daniel&#8217;s view. <br><br>K: This is not the view of the podcast version.<br><br>M: Okay, I think, at least my generation, Japanese male tend to think that crying is not good, especially for men. I mean, Mellie is a girl, but she tripped, and if it didn&#8217;t hurt, naturally the kids wouldn&#8217;t cry, especially if the floor was padded for the kids&#8217; section or whatever, then nobody probably would cry, it wouldn&#8217;t hurt. But if it hurt, it would be perfectly normal for the kids to cry.<br><br>K: Yeah, we totally support crying. Even for adults, it&#8217;s perfectly okay to cry. I mean, it&#8217;s a really good way to vent things out. And not that a lot of people have trouble crying, too. So, we&#8217;re just not really making any judgments about crying or not crying at this moment. <br><br>M: Right, that&#8217;s right. This is just purely Daniel&#8217;s thinking. <br><br>Daniel asks Allison, \u201cDoes Mellie want me to chase her?\u201d<br>&#8220;At home, I sometimes crawl after her. She mainly wants an audience, I think.\u201d<br>Mellie has spotted a much younger baby in a stroller and is reaching out a hand to touch the child. Allison rushes over and scoops her daughter up, and Mellie now starts to cry. <br>\u201cIt&#8217;s past nap time,\u201d Allison tells Daniel.<br>\u201cShe&#8217;ll zonk right out once she&#8217;s in the car. Thank you for inviting us. This was really fun.\u201d<br>Allison and Daniel hug with Mellie now, wailing between them. <br>\u201cI hope you&#8217;ll finally come over for dinner next time I invite you,\u201d Allison says sternly as she hurries off. <br>&#8220;I will,\u201d Daniel calls after her, and he means it.<br><br>Thank you for joining us in Sunnyside. If you enjoyed your time with us, please share this episode with a friend. Thank you to High Street Jack for our theme song.<br><br>Thank you, Makiko, for running our website and doing our post-production work. <br><br>Thank you, Karisha, for writing our stories. <\/p><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\" data-block-type=\"core\"><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-stackable-text stk-block-text stk-block stk-2a363b9\" data-block-id=\"2a363b9\"><p class=\"stk-block-text__text\"><\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Relationship Dynamics: When They Want More Listen to Daniel&#8217;s Story Description: Daniel Miller doesn\u2019t understand why the people he goes out with are always so dissatisfied with him. He makes it clear to them how busy he is, but they always want more. Listen in to hear Makiko and Karisha discuss options to enhance these [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":0,"template":"","class_list":["post-3631","podcast_episode","type-podcast_episode","status-publish","hentry"],"blocksy_meta":{"has_hero_section":"enabled","hero_elements":[{"id":"custom_title","enabled":false,"heading_tag":"h1","title":"\u30db\u30fc\u30e0","__id":"yZBcg4e8wt_T9ZEXvnyPL"},{"id":"custom_description","enabled":false,"description_visibility":{"desktop":true,"tablet":true,"mobile":false},"__id":"RRM2EKctgUPoJR5e10Z01"},{"id":"custom_meta","enabled":false,"meta_elements":[{"id":"author","enabled":true,"label":"By","has_author_avatar":"yes","avatar_size":25},{"id":"post_date","enabled":true,"label":"On","date_format_source":"default","date_format":"M j, Y"},{"id":"updated_date","enabled":false,"label":"On","date_format_source":"default","date_format":"M j, 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